ajnabee :)

~<0>~

eh raah lambi hai
par tere saath da koi bharosa nahi
is raen basere te ik hi raat katni hai
par is rat de mukkan da koi bharosa nahi

eh raat saadi mulakaat da sabab bani
par is raat di niyat theek nahi
is raat kalmoohi de dil wich
wasde dukh di hakeekat theek nahi

tu ajnabee hain mere kolo
par main tere dil da har raaz jaanda han
teriya akhaan jo birha da bhaeda geet ga rahiya han
main us da aanand maanda han

main v tolh reha haan tere hi waangan
ajnabiyaan wich puraane chehre
ajnabiyaan de mukho sun.ne chaahnda
oh kisse jo kade yaar si mere

jehda painda tureya nahi
usda beyaan kiwe kara
jehde yaar kade apne na ho sake
unhaan da ghumaan kiwe karaa

eh raah lambi hai
par tere saath da koi bharosa nahi
mainu tere saath di aas taan hai
ummeed nahi

~<0>~

Eshaan - Chalo its good you have met her. After that everything goes downhill.

~<0>~

I am trying to get back in the writing grove. This poem is an attempt, again, in that direction.

~<0>~

Here's a joke

~<0>~

Girl : I hate you. Get lost. I dont wanna talk to you. This relationship is over.
Boy : What happened. I love you. I havent cheated on you. Been totally faithful.
Girl : Shut up. I cant be with you... YOU DID NOT LIKE MY STATUS ON FACEBOOK.

~<0>~

Something very similar happened to me. Not the exact same thing but very very similar.

~<0>~

Jokes happen to you sometime. You cant always laugh at them. Sometimes life teaches you lessons the funny way. I learned mine.

~<0>~

its like you can place your finger on it. the small opening in your heart which is a much bigger void inside. but putting your finger on it doesn't plug the hole. it keeps shifting. from one part of your heart to another. things keep coming out of it. making the emptiness inside grow. you try desperately to do something but succumb to the fall. its a bottomless void that is evergrowing. You succumb and even the desire to finally grab hold of your heart, to crush it in your own palm so that the emptiness ends... goes away.

Dear Lord, please show us the way.

I am so so so scared right now but also I am so so so Happy :)

Oh but I am so so so Scared.



Edition: Jiska dar tha wahi hua :/

Heart or the Mind

~<0>~

Last 3 days went by like a storm. Busy Busy and Busy.

But this has sown some very important questions in my mind. In fact Mind or Heart is the big question here. Also your past mistakes come and bite you always and now they bit me on my ass. I feel stupid stupid stupid and this is all because of the bloody heart. Problem is that I am not sure whether following my mind will lead me to my aim this time.

There are some other questions but they might get answered if I am able to solve the above problem correctly.

I hate important questions. I hate the important questions, the answers to which you can only know after 2 years and your opinion of their importance may change with the benefit of hindsight.

~<0>~

I love the phrase 'benefit of hindsight'. It is one of those phrases which I feel are like so... apt. You see you can only have benefit of hindsight. You can never not-learn from a past experience, except if you are too stupid.

But stupidity is not really in ones hands. It is either in your Heart or your Mind.

~<0>~

The age of secrets has come big time. A friend of mine told me something very important few days after the thing happened. Few years ago this was out of question.

I understand his reasons of not telling very well and also identify with them at a level. Just that it has now set an example. Ab se koi kisi ko kuch nahi batayega.

Also I was not telling people stuff badi pahle se, so I am ok with the age of secrets.

~<0>~

I am playing a game with some people :P I may lose and it will feel bad like crazy but for now its game on guys. There are lot of factors but only two outcomes.

~<0>~

I hate people. Still.

~<0>~

I almost wrote a poem yesterday. I was called for a meeting.

~<0>~

US of A

Another friend of mine has gone to US. I feel so happy for him.

I am also sad coz I wont get to see one of my fav people as regularly as i used to.

Thus I am confused and its not letting me study for a stupid midterm.

However I will just pray for his wellbeing and awesomness and end here only as I have already screwed one mid term today.

This one is to Eshaan Agarwal and our friendship.

just for the sake of it posts

Its been almost 6 months (or more) since i last wrote a poem. Obviously I am not very proud of it.

Bschools are strange places. And I just heard about the quizzes which have been clubbed on the same dates as the mid terms and I have forgotten all what I was gonna write in this post. Time to shut down the heart once more.

shukraana

rahi bakhshda tu keete hoye kasoor daateya

saanu charna to karee na tu duur daateya

--virsa series

Ae dil mere
dekh sapna naya koi
bhar udaan firse
chuu aasmaan naya koi

Some last minute time wastage

I was planning a very senti/serious/sappy mail for saying goodbye to Noida. However I feel that I cant get senti over anything now and this is all Noida's doing. This city in spite of all its shortcomings(i do not want to start naming them) taught me how to be happy (or not sad). I do not get affected by most of things (people) which would kill me crazy few years back. Though I sometimes feel I have turned into a stone but (again) it doesn't bother me much.

I d though like to thank few people(not in any order) who were always with me through thick and thin in Noida,
Swati, Saurabh, Nik and I were the Chandaal Chaukdi at CSC. If not for them I d have certainly certainly gone mad. Lunch time was the best time at office and when even one of us was missing, due to some meeting or date or any other reason, lunch would lose its mazaa. I am thankful to them for tolerating my mood swings and mean sarcastic comments which they had to listen everyday. Noida would not have been same if you guys weren't there. I owe my sanity to you guys.
Pal and Moni.. two people I have great respect for. Have learnt a lot from them. Can never forget all night discussions with Pal( in both good and bad way). Lansdowne trip will always be a special memory. The night outs where we would just eat and eat and eat and laugh and laugh and laugh were high points in the otherwise dull life. I thank them for great times spent together and for being there when I desperately wanted to talk to someone in Punjabi. I thank them for teaching me how to keep smiling always. Its important.
Pranav Kumar Kedia. He is one genius of a person and I love him. My other roomie at 616, we used to have some crazy ass discussions all night long. Will never forget his contribution of Uchhalo , Fodo and Machao words in my vocab. The 2-3 times we got sloshed at home were one of the most entertaining times I had.
Puneet and Raman though entered the noida scene quite late but it d be unfair and stupid to leave them out(also they might kill me otherwise). With them it is a crime to get tired and being ready for some random trip to anywhere is of utmost necessity. One crazy couple they are.. chuza and I had to be careful around them. Their fights were scary but were easy to control as only some paranthas at sukhdev or tikkas at BP market would be enough to calm these two crazy punjabis.
The Family(Bhuwan Jaggi Sam together with Swati) were my default set when I wanted to drink and saurabh was reluctant. Their home was always full of "Spirits" even though sometimes we had to fight for last drops of water. Punctuality got a new definition when something was to be planned with these guys. A merry bunch of people. There home was the venue whenever a party had to be planned.

These guys should in no way think that they have got rid of me. This post was just for remembering the good times in Noida and because I cant sleep after a rather strong late night coffee at Barista 35.

--B

Vacancy

I am in search of a muse.
Only freshers should apply.

The Last Thursday :P

~<0>~

Today is my last Thursday at CSC. A friend just pointed it out to me and I was like, "Oh yeah, never thought about it like this". So to celebrate this very ordinary day of an ordinary week I have decided to write here once again. Also this post is coming straight from my office desktop which is visible to anyone who passes by my seat. But like the two years I have not worried about getting caught while fb'ing or more recently tweeting during office hours, I will go ahead and finish this rather ordinary post.

~<0>~

See basically I do not have much new to say. Just that the depressing times I was going through some months back are now over.
I feel a little surer of myself again and I hope this will stay for sometime.

I have re started blogging coz <let me be grossly unfair to my friends here> I do not have any friends. Basically I needed somwhere to spew my bakwaas at :D

~<0>~

A post deadicated(intentional) to Noida(now you know why) is inline.

~<0>~

Sold Out

I do not know for sure, but something has happened to the... ummm.. intellectual in me.
It sounds a little(or a lot) pretentious, but I guess it has died up on me.
I have been having this feeling for some months now and I have admitted it to some people, albeit, in different contexts.
A lot of selfishness has crept in. I do not care for things which seemed important to me earlier. Shallowness has seeped in, deep. Have I sold out too cheaply? Or am I just too busy.

Dont feel stimulated by anything. Maybe the events of past few months have had their toll on me.

I am reminded of the ending of the play "kaho ripudaman". A poet soul is murdered.

did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?

Mr Know it All

It was good yesterday.
Drams, ATMs and American Gods

blue pill or the red pill

~<0>~

Ok here I am two days away from an event which could prove to be the culmination of the foolishness I have been indulging myself in for the last 6 years. I am a little scared. I might have said it earlier too. Actually you see... a lot depends on what happens in coming few days. I know whatever the result is, I am going to be a changed person. I will finally settle with the fate that life is not going to be what it should ideally be or at least what I wanted it to be. 

I have seen people change into... zombies, if I may say that. Its my time now.

~<0>~

Also in movies there are times when the protagonist gets a bike and drives to nowhere.

~<0>~

--Bhupi

bhoopi doopi do? what to do?

Note for self -- your blog is not twitter.

Extremely fidgety.

~<0>~

Some interesting things have happened in last 24 hrs.

~<0>~

Sorry for these one line posts, but this might be continuing for some more time.

~<0>~

Some days books and good music dont work.

Snap.

...: Chalo ik baar phirse Ajnabi ban jayein humdono :...

The only problem I find in pissing off everyone is that there wont be anyone left to piss off.

I am not an Artist

~<0>~

maano agar mil jaye khushi
tum ko kahi bazaar mien jaakar
kya khush kar paoge khudko
4 sikke gham k badle aadha hissa sukoon ka paakar

kis baniye se loge sauda
udhaar ka shayad karke waada
kaise ye pata karoge
kaunsa brand chalega zaada

geeli aankho se duur hi rakhna
guarantee card pe likh rakha hoga
par kya aankho ko tok sakoge
saari umr jab dukh hi hai bhoga

~<0>~

Read Saikat's story today, loved it and listened to a song with god awesome lyrics and one crazy hell beautiful voice. I get inspired by people who are good at anything artistic. It prods me to attempt, albeit shoddily, things few years back I never imagined myself doing. Writing and acting top the list. Photography and Painting are new things to take shot at.

It must feel really good to be an artist. But are Artists happy people?
I hope I am able to know the answer one day.

~<0>~

I miss drams more than anything from college.

~<0>~

~<0>~

Its so easy to see the green grass
and so fulfilling to be on the other side
of the other side

~<0>~

God blah blah

I ask for just one ounce of sense and half an ounce of luck this year.
Sorry dont have a prescription... only a hint of stupidity and a scar of bad times.

2009 Good Riddance

Today is the last day of 2009. I ll be honest and say that it was not a very good year for me. Except Sahej's(my niece) birth, I cant think of anything good that happened this year.

January and February were the most busy months workwise and when I was expecting some good things to happen coz of all the hard work My team got disbanded in March. The appraisals did not happen and there were no salary hikes. Well the slowdown did have its effects felt here too. April and May were spent travelling from Noida to Mohali every weekend as didi was home and she was expecting a baby then. All the travelling and dhakke khaana in buses paid off on 17th May when Sahej was born. She is a complete angel. I havent seen sweeter and more well behaved infants. May God Bless her. This my friends was the only good thing that happened this year.

June July were terrible months as the summers were taking thier toll. Work wise frustrations were rising. Final confirmation was given that there will be no pay hike. Dadi fell seriously ill this time around and we were all very worried for her. She recovered then but had a paralytic stroke later in the year. While going to a place called lansdowne we had an accident in which Arjun lost his Car.

August and september were months of introspection and lot of personal demons being killed. I was able to know a little more about myself. What I wanted from life and how much I would let people affect me? I did come out a lot surer about the answers to such questions. I was growing up and I was sure that I was hating every bit of it and I still try to not think about it. Saurabh just a few days ago had to shout at me and tell me that college was over and life is different now.

October and November had a lot of stuff happening. I had joined a gym the membership of which ended in November and I did not renew it coz supposedly I was preparing for blah examinations. I fell ill in october. The worst phase of living in Noida was on. We had the worst cooks possible. Their food made me even more  sick and I had to waste two entire weeks coz of the fever.

A lot of good stuff kept happening now and then, though on the sidelines. Sid got a Job in NY. Saikat and Eshaan got their joinings. Satadru Bhaiyas marriage in june and Rupika dis in november. Chikki and Abhay came back to chandigarh. Suchu got a job and Arjun and Karan got promoted. I intentionally left these out. The end to all this was worse than I could have ever Imagined.

December which was supposed to be a month of some very important tests. Tested I was alright but these were tests of very different kind. I was done with CAT. I tried to snarl but it was more of like a whimper, not even a meow. Done with that I was preparing for the rest of the papers when I got the news of Didi's accident. It was such a shocking news. I still shudder when I thing what she had to go through. Its saddening and wrenches my heart when I think that with no mistake of hers she might have to live with the effects of the injuries she is still recovering from. With Sahej still a 7 month baby, it kills me when I think about them being kept apart. My family had still not recovered from the shock of didis accident when the news of Papaji's(My Nana) passing away came. It was a double blow and none of us were ready to take it. Mom was completely shattered as she could not even mourn her fathers death. She was too busy taking didi's care.

As Papaji always taught us to accept gods will and never doubt his actions, I can only pray to god for healing the wounds that 2009 left soon. May we all be blessed by the almighty and I hope and pray that 2010 is better and brings happiness in everyones lives. 

Is it really a throw of dice?

I am feeling a little lost.
Dont have much to share.
Should be over soon.

The Wooden Cigarette

In spite of all the rants going on about global warming it had been a cold winter in his city. It had been raining incessantly since morning and a snowstorm was predicted. The radiator in his almost empty office, most people had taken off due to bad weather, could barely keep his teeth from chattering. Time and again the sound of the blizzard against the windows would scare him a little and break his concentration. He was finally happy that the dark gloomy day had come to an end and it was time to go home. He was already thinking about the cozy interiors of his two bedroom home in which he used to live alone. Few sips of scotch before going to sleep would be perfect, he mused.

He came out of office fully packed in an overcoat, muffler and a knit cap. It had stopped raining but the cold and the dampness hit him hard and he decided to take a cab till 5th street from where he would walk a short distance to his home and not completely skip the only exercise he used to indulge in. He hollered a cab and shouted 5th street at the driver without even getting inside completely. The cabbie seemed to be in an even greater hurry and stepped on the gas as soon as he got the signal.

The interior of the cab was much warmer than the freezing cold outside but instinctively he put his hands in his coat pockets. His fingers touched a long slender object. It was a wooden dummy cigarette which doctors suggested to patients who were trying to quit cigarettes. He had been recently diagnosed with a mild respiratory problem and the doctor had asked him to give up on one of his most loved things, real cigarettes packed with the real tobacco. The doctor had advised him to buy one of these wooden lookalikes, just to keep something in the fingers when one has nothing else to do. Out of habit he put the wooden cigarette to his lips, took a long puff and released a large amount of imaginary smoke. The cabbie came up with 10 clever remarks but kept them to himself as he saw color return to the old man's cheeks. The wooden cigarette did work sometimes.

The cab reached 5th street and as he was about to get off after paying the fare, the cabbie offered him a real cigarette and some matches. It was an act of pity. To avoid the hassle of protesting he took them and put them in his pocket. He started his walk home lost in his thoughts when his reverie was broken by a large drop of chilling cold water on his nose and he saw people running about everywhere looking for shelter. The rain now was worse than it had been all day. He himself just made it to a tin sheet extension of the roof of a closed grocery shop. A lady and a little girl of 6 or 7 also came running under the same tin roof. He tried to not notice and avoid unnecessary conversation. His hands inadvertently went inside his pockets but this time they felt the real cigarette. He remembered the cabbie. He smiled at his badluck. He was trying to quit and people he did not even know were offering him cigarettes. All his hard work and discipline had now come to this. A cold unforgiving winter night and a cigarette in his hands. He contemplated and re-contemplated. He repeated to himself that it would be just this one last cigarette tonight, to keep him alive in this godforsaken weather. He was done with all the chain smoking he had to do. "If you start again after quitting, its your first cigarette all over again and its easiest to quit after the first one", he remembered the dialogue from a wisdom movie, as he liked to call the movies where there was no story but people talking about random stuff like coffee, truth, lies, sex, life, cigarettes. No story but people talking about life... cigarettes.

He thought hard but in the end put the cigarette to his lips and lit it with matches the cabbie had given him. How thoughtful of him to give me the matches too, he thought. He took the first puff and then the second and then the third. Ohhhhh... how he had missed the feeling of hot smoke going right through him. The nicotine refreshing his nerves and bringing that alertness in his eyes. He was filled with a rare feeling only smokers can experience, contentment. He smiled. His chain of thoughts was broken by a sound. The little girl standing under the tin had started coughing and was looking at him accusingly. He looked at the remaining cigarette in his hand and cursed in his mind. Children, how he hated them, always taking away the fun out of life. He stubbed the cigarette with his boot and walked into the rain.

He thought about his own daughter who had left him years ago. He needed to be alone that night. He put his hands in his pockets and pulled out the wooden cigarette once again. He took one last puff out of it and threw it away.

~<0>~

I am not much pleased with the title.

~<0>~

Its a happy day today :D

Its here and I am kinda worried.

Praying...

Take Me Along

~<0>~

leave back all the fights and sudden rages
throw all the bad memories away
looks like we are at the start again
oh baby c'mon lead the way

the words that were never spoken
are still hanging in the air
wrap them away in a simple song
tie them with a thread of care

your mama's favorite dishes
have been safely bubble-wrapped
all your books and the fancy paintings
have been nicely strapped

in the new house you are moving
we ll together make a home
so just take me along
where ever you go

~<0>~

A song attempted long time back when a friend was moving to a new place, posted today :- by the boy who hasn't studied for past two days :/

~<0>~

.: Dreams :.

~<0>~

Its not often that you have a very nice dream and also remember it in so much detail.

Last to last night I had a very very happy dream. I had just joined some college abroad and was super happy about the new place and meeting new people(almost). The college campus was very amazing built in Victorian style though some parts resembled Thapar too much. There were some very interesting characters in it. There were two sardarjis who never answered your questions properly. When I asked them from where they were, they replied from the moon and when I asked if the knew where the classrooms were they said they were near the moon. But they were well meaning persons. Jolly good fellows I say. Everyone including me had iPhones and some of my new classmates guided me about using some features. Everyone was extra nice, especially the teachers. My maths teacher called everyone in the grounds for his first lecture and showed us how different paper planes fly differently and why. This is something Sid used to do in my real college in free lectures. So I was not feeling like a complete newbie... I guess I liked maths teacher only coz in the first class there was no maths :) I had also enrolled for a subject named AMATUS, pata nahi kya tha but it was taught by a firang lady teacher who was very beautiful.. hehe. The first day was so entirely wonderful and I had lunch with Suchu and sham ko met Sid and told him about the planes.

Well ofcourse there was a girl I started liking(yeah, first day). She was my neighbor in hostel. She was so amazingly awesome that its hard to explain. You know those girls who always have pink cheeks and slightly curly hair. We hit it off from the word go and it was so amazing that I have a smile on my face even now while writing about her. However, she had some assistantship with some prof and the hostel people thought that she should be shifted to some "better" floor, so off she went to some other floor and I heard someone saying,"Bhupi its 9 in the morn, office ni jana kya"? :| How cruel I tell you and how me to not get the girl in even my own dream?

Well thats it but I had a very good time and I guess that is what is important.
~<0>~

A friend of mine is applying to phoren univs and we discuss a lot about it everyday so that could be the reason why I had this dream.

I wonder what AMATUS could be? Wiki says its this but I am sure this is not what was taught in the class.

~<0>~

Maybe its just my folly
but I do wonder why
some people wish to pull off evil deeds
and I wish to dream

(maybe to be completed)

~<0>~

She leaves her signs everywhere
signs which she knows I can see

I know the smile that flowers smile
after she passes by
I can catch the words she said to no one
In the cold desert wind I can hear her sigh
Little giggles that trees cant hide from me
and the tear drop that fell, I wonder why

Oh and the promise of love that she made
Oh its nothing but a lie, I know
But it made someone smile one last night
before the poor soul was destined to die
I dream of her in that little black dress
I dream of her every night

Its just something she has to do, she says
oh but there's evil in her eye
who lives who dies, its a game as I see
but she wins every time
those who she leaves, kill themselves
those who she kills, well... they just die

the nights over and my dream is about to end
to her own world she is about to fly
When do we meet in real I ask, and she says
Only when your time comes by
she kisses me and I open my eyes
but to her own world she is about to fly

~<0>~

Soon very Soon.

bleh diwali

Its one night before diwali. I am not sure how I feel right now. I was
on a leave from office for some days. Life has stopped. Not that I am
complaining but there is a lot to be done and I have wasted lots of
time. So I am not really comfortable about the way things are.

That stupid paper is back again. God, I so dont want it to become a
part of my life like this. This time I really wanna be done away with
it. However if anyone would have observed my lifestyle for the last
month, he would have really thought that I am a really stupid person and am
wasting away my life.

I am so convinced about the fact that I dont know how to talk to
people on phone. I have never had even one conversation on phone after
which I feel at peace with myself. I almost am never able to say what
I want and to the extent I want to say. Its always something less or a
lot more. If a friend has called after a long time I always miss
asking about the right things. I am left with a lot of questions to
ask and almost the same amount of info about him as I had before the
phone call. There are other instances when some random person calls
and I end up saying all the crazy stuff that I have thought about all
day. I so feel like putting my huge foot in my even bigger mouth. And
Oh my God someone should listen to me when I am trying to give advice.
I am at my stupidest best. Its so completely embarassing.

Of all the kind of news I get, I hate the news about growing up stuff
the most. What I am trying to say is that when I get to know of people
doing all grown up stuff and all grown up things happening to them and
realising that I have to do these things too, its not a very great
thing for me. I totally relate to 'SID' from the movie except that he
was so bloddy rich. I dont like it when people are being all
responsible and stuff around me. Whats life without all the messiness
around? But I do realise that Sid had to become responsible in the
movie coz it doesnt work the otherway. Only then did he get the job
and the girl. This realisation is what I hate the most, coz I suck at
the "moving on" thing and growing up involves a lot of it. I want to
be the person I was in college. Everyone does I guess, but I feel that
they are a lot better at coping with this. I have sucked at it every
minute I have spent out of college.

I never have talked about college on my blog. I will just say if given
a chance I will like to change lots of things I did. Not Drams though.
It was the best thing that ever happened to me.

I wish I was a writer. I so daydream about it. I would like to write a
lot of fantasy.

Neend

~<0>~

It could be a hectic day 2moro but I am not sleepy at all :(

~<0>~

Meri godi wich sir rakh maahiya
Mainu dil da haal suna
mere dukh sukh saanjhe kar maahiya
Mainu humraaz bana
vekh k teriyan raahan maahiya
main pal pal bekal hoyi san
mere kanni pa koi pari kahaani
Meri akhhin neendar pa
Meri godi wich sir rakh maahiya
Mainu dil da haal suna

~<0>~

taareyan di raat

ajj chhad aapne duniya naal keete waade
main v kuch chuthlaaye sachaan nu mann lainda haan
aa ajj kuch daer kalle baithiye
aa ajj kuch gallaan kariye

main jaanda haan k tu masroof hain
main jaanda haan k tu chukki hai duniya aapne modheyaan te
ajj laah k duniya da bojh aapne siro
aa ajj kuch dil v haula kariye
aa akk kuch gallaan kariye

main tere kambb.de bullan te nach rahe
sawaal padh sakda haan
mere jawaab shayad tainu change na laggan
par main nahi chahunda k eh taareyaan di raat
enha gile shikveyaan wich zaaya hove
main nahi chahunda k eh bhaagaan bhari raat
enha uljhe khayaalaan wich zaayz hove
kinne chir baad mile haan
aa ajj kuch gallaan kariye


:(

~<0>~

I am trying my hand at Punjabi writing these days. As you can see the result is not too good, but I will try some more. I think I have the idea for next poem already. So, you might have to read stuff you don't understand for some while. Transliteration sites are there but I guess I am too lazy for them.

Goodnight dear friend.

~<0>~

Hurray !

Welcome back insomnia. The timing couldn't have been better.

Shine

~<0>~

"Tom, can I ask you a question?"
"Sure, I am your big brother. You can ask me anything."
"If you start collecting all these stars at one place, would it be better than the moon?"
"Jim... you are weird."
"Thats not fair. You said I could ask anything"
"Hmmm.. alright. I guess it would be a moon with a lot of shine and sparkle. Would you like that?"
"I guess I would. Tom..."
"Yeah."
"I got to pee."
"Jim.. you are weird. Go behind that tree."
"O.K. dont look"
....
"Hey Jim, are you done yet?"
"Yeah, coming."
"Look over there, in the hills, the train is coming."
"Tom, can I ask you a question?"
"Hmmm."
"Do you think mom and dad will come on that train?"
"Hmmm.. they will come soon. Dont worry. Lets go home now. Granma might wake up."
"Ohkay... Tom, will you give me a piggy back ride?"
"Yups.. hop on... uurrrghhh.. you are so heavy. You are fat."
"I am not fat."
"Yes you are."
"No, I am not"
....

~<0>~

Sajan Ji

kuch teri masrufiyat
kuch mera ghumaan
mainu roz ik doraahe te lae aunda hai
ate main roz ik galat rasta fad laenda haan

meri zindagi teri zindagi ton
kuch duur aa chukki hai
kisi jhoothi jitt di aas wich
main roz ik ladayi lad laenda haan, khud naal

tere nainaa.n de nashe wich choor, hale vi
mere din hauli hauli hi katde ne
andro andri dil di agg vich
main roz hauli hauli sad laenda haan

taitho dur jeena aukha hi lagda hai
ik an-suljhe sawaal waang
din hanju te raatan zehriliyan
har.roz enha de aukhe ghutt bhar laenda haan

par, mere sajan ji,mere dil de maalik ji
meri jind nimaani nu, tere pyar da hi sahara hai
ise vishwaas di khaatir zindagi de paende te
shayad... main ik kadam roz chadh laenda haan

bahut ho gaya... something i should have said a lot earlier

~<0>~

I have always believed that one should stick to his/her decision. It maybe good or it maybe bad, but if you keep wavering from your decisions your life cant move in a fixed direction. Agreed mistakes have to be corrected. A bad decision if identified should be reverted but it should not then be reverted back. Staying true to the choices you make clears a lot of mental mess and helps you to not get confused.

I have decided to move on. Move on from the stalemate that life has been for nearly two years. Move on from the mistakes that I have already apologized for. I have decided to not take any more shit for them.
I have decide to move on to tomorrow and not feel stupid for not doing it sooner.

I have decide to totally rock this decision.

~<0>~

What is the biggest mistake a story writer can do? Its not the punctuation and its not the grammar. Word processors take care of stuff like that. Its not the cowardliness and the lack of imagination shown by being inspired from his own life. It is creating a character so convincing that he starts believing that the character is real. Making a real person out of pen and paper; sketching a life out of smoke rings and whiskey. Believing in what is not and all the while neglecting and denying what the reality is. The biggest mistake a writer can do is fall in love with the person who does not even exist in the same universe as he.

But how can he stop himself? The resistance is futile. Whole of his day is spent in dreaming about her. In picturing her roam around her house. Taking care of the smallest of things. He sees her going to her job and trying to do her best in something she does not relate to. He imagines her preparing her dinner and smokes with her when she lights her cigarette before going to bed. The temptation to kiss her when she lies down on the couch is irresistible. When she finally retires for the day he looks at her peaceful face and smiles. She is beautiful and he pines for her touch. He can not kiss her, he can not make love to her and he can not say it to her that he loves her. He knows that it wont matter. He knows her destiny is being charted on the next page. He knows that she can not stay with him and he can not stay with her. The story has to end. Happily for her but always and always sadly for him.

A barrier must be maintained. Dreams should not be mingled with reality and reality should be kept as far away as possible from the unreal.

Fuck aaj kal

~<0>~
could not get the TV i wanted, or any tv for that matter.
Could not go to a much required and looked forward trip with friends.
Though thankfully I am alive.
Could not got the concert I so wanted to attend.
~<O>~
Life is so fucking fun these days.
~<0>~

life these days

~<0>~

I could be wrong, but I have this huge feeling these days that life is going to change soon(or later) and the factors that will shape up the outcome will come to the fore very shortly. Needless to say I am looking forward to them. I am frustrated with things as they are now and I so want to get out of this place.
There is this one habit which has been troubling me for about two years now. I can sense an opportunity to get rid of it once and for all. Like always, I am not sure if I wanna let it go. I am hooked, I am addicted and I crave. Its so Sin-ly. The biggest problem with it is that I am always unable to strike the right balance and I am afraid that it will end, if and when, in complete detachment.
 
~<0>~

I am about to begin two small experiments which, if successful, will be very beneficial for me. I hope that I am consistent and finally get the desired results. Please pray for me.

~<0>~

Finally something not so code wordy.

I ll be going to a small hill station this weekend with some friends this weekend. The place is called Lansdowne and I am so hoping that it is good.

~<0>~

Sad Life

Awwww Crap.

Ye khushi bhi chhin gayi :(

I am so totally fed up and "f" ed up too.

The Biscuit

The Biscuit

Kishen Lal was an old man now. He could not go out and sell the produce of the farms in the market. This job had now gone to his daughter in law. His job now was to tend to the two buffaloes in the barn and a six month old baby who lied all day on a small cot. The baby used to cry at all the wrong times. Kishen Lal once had to leave his "morning rituals" in between because the baby had started crying and Kishen Lal could not do it in so much noise. For all Kishen Lal cared, the buffaloes were better than the baby.

Kishen Lal's daughter in law was a very gentle lady, though after the day Kishen Lal had declared that he was old and could not work any more she had changed her ways a little. Now she used to call Kishen "a no good old man", when she talked to her husband about money. Kishen Lal never said anything in response but would start coughing rather loudly. This sometimes irritated her even more and she would start throwing utensils on the floor and start crying. The baby more often than not would also start crying. On these days Kishen Lal had to eat food with too much salt or sugar instead of salt. He still would not say anything because he was afraid his daughter in law might put something else in his food tomorrow.

Kishen Lal never complained about the changes that had come in his daughter in law, however he did miss one thing. She had stopped serving him biscuits with tea now. Kishen always had tea with biscuits but now even if he asked she would just say that there were none left. But Kishen knew, there were always some in the basket hanging from the roof of the hut. Kishen Lal had to spy on his daughter in law to get to the location where she had hidden them. He felt a little stupid when he realised that they were in front of his eyes always. Now he only had to wait for the next morning to get them. Kishen Lal kept looking at the basket all night and fell in sleep with contentment on his face.

Next morning after his son left for the fields and his daughter in law to the market Kishen decided to make a move. He quickly finished all his morning duties. Gave fodder to the two buffaloes and checked on the baby. The baby was asleep. "Thank God", he Sighed loudly.

He was now only minutes away from one of the best things in his life. He put some tea on the stove and a song on his lips. After five months he thought and smiled like a kid. Kishen Lal checked on the baby again. The little miscreant was asleep. This must be his lucky day, Kishen thought. He picked up a long stick and toppled the basket hanging from the roof. A red packet fell on the ground.
"Yes", he cried not too loudly. There was a little devil sleeping. He picked the packet but found only one biscuit inside. He still thanked lord almighty and promised to give him his share from the next loot.

Kishen poured his cup of tea and sat on the little cot in his room. He dipped his biscuit in the tea and thought, "what a wonder".

There was some noise from the baby's room. It had started crying again. Lapse of concentration and the tea soaked biscuit fell in the tea cup. "Aww, Fuck, Awwww", Kishen said and went to pick up the baby,

The End

The Bad Ass

Somewhere in a small hut in the desert...
"Eat it you bitch. I gotta keep you alive. Better co-operate, I know other ways to put this in you", he said after throwing the bread at her. She was not gonna touch it, he knew it and it made him smile.
Elsewhere...
He walked into the large room where a man was sitting behind a table. He never had felt surer about what he was doing.
"I am here to make a deal and my terms are on the table. Kill her". He took out his gun and put it on the table. Years later he was gonna say it was the biggest mistake of his life.

Dark

There is complete darkness all around. I want to shout my lungs out but I know that no one is going to listen. My head is filled with dark thoughts, images that come and go, figures that are crawling towards me, slowly stealthily moving only when I am not looking up. I sit up in the corner of this wet humid room which stinks of years and years of stuff growing on the walls. I am careful i keep away from the walls. They know I am here. Ready to pounce on me any moment. Despair Desperassion Delirium. I cry but the tears are already dry. I laugh but my laughter is cut short by my screams. I stand up, the darkness stays as it is. I start to run in circles but the darkness wont go away. I fall and strat crying again. The head is again filled with those images. I see myself smiling. Surrounded by my friends. I can see all of them around me. They are laughing too. Wait, they are laughing at me. Its my fault, they are saying. I think too much. They laugh even louder. "No No No No No. Its not my fault. I tried. I am not lying. Help me". They are not laughing anymore, its darkness again. I pull my hair. I bang my head on the floor. Harder this time. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Harder. Harder. Harder. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha.
I stop. Its still dark. I have lost.

Weekend

~<0>~

Today is saturday and finally I am in Noida only. Skipped going back to chandigarh this time coz i wanted to have some rest and sleep for like really really long spells. Also I am home alone which is like icing on the cake. Picked up my guitar after like ages and I can play the two songs I know as good as I could play them earlier. Same is with Harmonica, except that I know only one song.

I did not do any of the three things I had to do today, which has left me extra extra pleased with myself. If it were winters... I would be in my happy place.

~<0>~

I have been getting these images of a very nice place in my head all this week. I am traveling on a train and its all green forest kind outside and its raining. I cant recall if I have been on such a journey ever. But I guess going to Shimla on the toy train in the monsoons will be pretty close. Will plan a trip this year.

~<0>~

Usually I have tea in office and try not to have coffee as it is pretty bad. Yesterday I tried the coffee and surprisingly it was quite OK. Maybe I will have coffee more often.

~<0>~

I have a feeling that i used the word 'like' more than necessary in the first para. Reminds me of a very annoying junior I had in college.

~<0>~

A Wonderful World

As i walk by each day
They call out my name
I stop to listen to their tales
They tell a different story each time
These flowers on the sidewalk
They do me a favor
Make me dream of a wonderful world
A different one each time
But each time they tell me you are beautiful
And make me smile
A different one each time :)

Chhup Jao

Chhup jao in pardo k peechhe
Dekh n lien meri nazrien tumhien
Chhoo n payein mere khayal bhi tumko
Mauzu n bana lien meri nazmien tumhien

Chhup jao kahi meri aahon se pare
Kahi dubo na lein ye lehrien tumhien
Ki kuch din hijr se bhi ru b ru holu
Hai milan ki rat ki kasmien tumhien

Chhup jao, varna, de n pao.gi jawaab unka
Puchhti rehti hain jo sawal meri nazrien tumhien

Half a Song

I want to apologise to everyone and mostly to myself for the inactivity here. But I am trying to get back into the groove. So here is half a song as a proof.. might update later and complete it.

tera wo khidki pe aana
aur aake muskuraana
kya duniya kya sheher ye itne
kya galiyo mien aana jana
sabse humko pyara hai tera wo chaubara
raato ko parda hata k
padhne ka bahaana
kya science k funde itne
kya english ka taana baana
sabse humko pyara hai teri aankho ka ishara

Wine and Table Fans

~<0>~

When you hear someone saying, "I am not happy with what I am doing", does it start a similar train of thoughts in your mind? Personally I have reached the heights of being clueless about such things. I am not sure whether to complain or just go with the flow of things as they are. I now know that my writing and your reading wont even slightly affect the position where I stand today and where I am most likely to be in some days months years. It will just help me pass some time as I have to wait for my roommate to finish his work.

The problem for me reduces to the classical glass half full/half empty scenario. How happy is happy enough and how cynical is cynical enough. Your dreams in the end are limited by where you work, where you live, what your family expects, what the whole fuckin goddamm world expects and lastly by common sense and, yes, the little feeling deep down  that you are not up to the task.

~<0>~

I think we can safely say that we all care about what others are doing. Its impossible to ignore it. But how important is it? Do I lose the precious little peace of mind over it or do I, like many other things, let it rankle in my head only now and then


~<0>~

.:Summers:.

sipping wine
in front of table fans
sweat beads on your forehead

white curtains
half open window
and dreams of a lazy tomorrow

~<0>~

Do you hate any geometrical shape?
Well, I hate triangles.

~<0>~

Bai hun tan PHADLO...

Ha Ha

I wanna sing a song

Badi mushkil hai
khoya mera dil hai
koi ise dhund k laaye na
jaake kahaan main report likhaun
koi batlaye na
main royun ya hasu
karu main kya karu

whoa...

I have just bought a new phone. This post is from the phones super awesome browser which can just about open any web page :D

Aajkal

I was a coffee lover till a few months back. I still love it, but its more like i pine for it.  I used to have three cappuccinos in a single day plus have coffee at home and college too. I hate my life now. Everyone i used to enjoy having coffee with, has stopped having coffee (wtf) or is sitting at least a zillion miles away. I mean what the fuck.

Oh Barista
Oh CCD
Oh Ovenfresh

Ab to teerath yatra ban gaye hain.

Yar kfgh kyun ho gaya sab.

~<0>~

Went on a drive in the hills with some friends this weekend. Guitar Harmonica Singing Beer Philosophy Floyd Amazing time.

~<0>~

And I hate some conversations i have/had.
Some I start hating when I am in the middle of such conversations and others I start hating just after they are over.

I don't know which I hate more.

~<0>~

Life

I am sad and shocked.

Not an Artist

I originally wanted to draw this a full paneled cartoon strip but due to my very limited drawing talent I could only come up with this.
I dont know how many of you can get what its about so heres something -- What you see in the image is a man whose jacket's one arm got wet in .. well the pot.

This is something which almost happened to me in office one day.

There was a colleague who had "Jai Ho" as his ringtone and one day while he was attending to the nature's call in office loo, his phone rang. Other people were there too. The poor guy was greeted with Jai Ho by everyone from that day onwards. Pretty embarrassing, no?

In a hurry so just posting this crude update.

test post

Checking something.

Some mornings are strange

When I can remember my dreams

I rub my eyes just to be sure

to see, if you have left 

after breaking my heart again

Lost in both realms

reality and fantasy

I lie in my bed

wondering

How you feel

Feeling Shit

I am so so so down today and this time I am really really sure that there is no reason behind it too.

I am feeling very hollow, the kind of hollow which cant be filled by reading a book or listening to a song. Liquor just increases this shit feeling and there is no one I could sit and have a drink with.

Maybe my mind is finally getting sick of not doing anything about my life and is also sure that nothing substantial is gonna come out of it. 

Fuck.. I dont even know what I should wish for to end this.

Miles to read before I sleep.

~<0>~

I have been buying a lot of books lately, most of which are collection of poems. I like to pick a book randomly and read some lines everynight before i go to sleep. 

My collection includes :-

Ghalib

Sahir Ludhinavi

Iqbal

Majruh Sultanpuri

Zauq

Mir Taki Mir

They are all Urdu poets. Need to add Gulzar and Hariwansh Rai Bachchan to the list.

Then i have a collection of poems by Shiv Batalvi(my favorite poet) in punjabi and a book which has some poems by Edgar Allan Poe. 

I also have to start New Moon by Stephenie Meyer. Liked reading Twilight by her a lot.

I have two other books which I am reading parallelly one is 'The Juggling Act' by Jug Suraiya and another book about some entrepreneurs and their success stories. I am trying to get some inspiration as well as good sleep from it.

And while I am talking about books, I would like to thank Ko for getting me that wonderful bookmark. Thank You Ko :)

I will end by quoting a shaer by Iqbal I read yesterday --

"Koi shokhi to dekhe jab rona thama mera

kaha bedard ne kyun, aapne mala piro li hai

 jafazu* keh diya maine magar tumne bura mana

khafa kyun ho gaye, ye aashiqo ki boli tholi hai"

*Zaalim

~<0>~

I have lost quite a few things recently. 

-- 2 shirts(a blue and a black with red stripes)

-- a book of short stories (I am gonna kill the person who has it)

-- a pen (not important, I must have left it somewhere)

-- a pair of socks, and

-- a comb.

Does any one know about their whereabouts?

~<0>~

Interesting...

Have been very busy lately so could not update very regularly. I have also moved in a new apartment which is very nice and where I have got my own room. I am living with two very awesome guys and we sometimes cook our own dinner. Thankfully I am not a bad cook.

There are two things which I will like to tell you about my new apartment.

One is that whenever a power cut is there, our apartment is filled with so much noise that the disappointment of power cut very quickly turns to anger. The noise is created by constant whistles which all the chowkidars of my society start blowing whenever there is a power cut. I am not really sure why they do this but I guess they are deciding who amongst them will go and switch the power back up on. Probably whosoever is the last one to blow his whistle loses and has to go. The beeps coming out of my UPS add considerably to the raucous atmosphere. The whole drama ends by another very irritating sound which comes out of an alarm which signals the switching-on of the power back up. This happens at least four times while I am at home. I always come up with very innovative expletives during this time. So, that’s something positive. Also I have no clue why I wanted to tell everyone about this.

The second is that one morning, one of my roommates and I, while going down by our lift discovered that some naughty stuff had taken place there a night before. The first thing we noted was the fingerprints on the usually spotless walls of the lift. And they were not fingerprints fingerprints, but fingerprints like Kate Winslet(or de Caprio) left on the car window in Titanic. On further looking we found an area where someone had kept his/her head as it was filled with hair oil like spots. The final clue was the word “Loin” written on the door of the lift. I agree that we all have misspelled Lion when we were kids but a kid’s hands could have never gone to the place where the word was written.

In the end my room mate and I agreed that we were very happy about having chosen a very interesting building to live in and happily went to work

Ohkay..

This has been a very long time.

Now I have a net connection at my home. So a proper post is coming very soon.

Globalisation...

In earlier times mothers used to scare away their kids by telling them stories about an old man with a long beard and a ruck-sack on his back, which had other children like them in it. Now the Kids know that he is just Santa, and he is good.

Merry Christmas Everyone and Happy Holidays.

PS:- I am going to Nainital :D yay

Tagged...

Okay !
Its been very long since the last post. Almost a month. Kokil had tagged me so here I am doing the Tag ! now. Must say that it was a tad difficult. What I had to do was to "pick up ten interesting or common phrases (five from the post that tagged me) and write the lyrics they remind me of."

Five from Kokil's blog.

1. Vagabond
There's a man in the corner and his clothes are worn
And he's holding out his hand
You could see in his eyes as the people walk by
He knows they don't understand
-- Gabriel and Vagabond by Foy Vance

2. In your big brown eyes
Teri aankho k siva duniya mien rakha kya hai...

3. memories
Maae ri yaad wo aaye
Maae ri koi te lae aaye
Maae ri yaad wo yad wo aaye ri... :D

4. fly away
O jaane waale ho sake to laut k aana..

5. I haven't slept at all in days
Neend na aaye mujhe
Chain na aaye mujhe
Jaye koi zara dhund ke laaye
Na Jane kahan dil kho gaya...

My own contribution...

6. Fight maar yar...
I tried so hard
and got so far
in the end...
You know what happens :P

7. Farak to padta hai yar...
Tum agar mujhko na chaaho
to koi baat nahi
Tum kisi aur ko chahogi
to mushkil hogi

8. Kudiya Oye...
You could be mine
But you are way out of liiiiine

9. Bachpan...
Aao bachcho
aaj tumhe ek kahani sunata hoon main
Sher ki kahani sunoge
Hoon Hoon hoon
Mere pass aao mere dosto ek kissa suno
Mere pass aao mere dosto ek kissa suno...

10. KFGH
eh duniya mast kalandar
te utte baithe bandar
samjhe aap nu sikander
te chakde fatte...

Yayyyyy...fun post.
Thank You to Kokil and I tag Manu Bajaj and Nikita and Sahil Hakim.

Highs and Lows

~<0>~

The sign above specifies that it is going to be yet another "rambling post", so you can very well not bother reading it. 

~<0>~

I cant sleep tonight. Its nothing out of the ordinary, but I will miss the very weird dreams I was having from some nights. They made good "Things to think while you brush". Last night in one of these dreams a random dude hit me with a very heavy whiskey glass. I had to get stitches. After I woke up, while brushing my teeth, I kept touching the back of my head. Just to be sure you know. 

Some dreams have this nasty habbit of seeping into the real world. Its not totally unfair as we think about real stuff in dreams. So they have some right over our reality. If you think I am just talking Non-sense, I will tell you about a dream I had once.

It was in college and I was kinda very senti types over a girl. In my dream I recieve a phone call from a very close friend who kinda knew who the girl was. I find out that this call is actually not meant for me. My friend had called the girl and was telling her that I was not the right guy for her and all this crap about me. Now due to some dream world cross connection I get the call too and am able to hear all this. As is pretty obvious I am pretty pissed of with my friend and also kinda heartbroken as the girl simply agreed to him in the end of the conversation. Now the biggest shock for me was when I was woken up by a REAL call on my REAL cell from the same friend. Imagine seeing the name of a person who has just almost spoiled your life, flashing on your cell. Boy o Boy he never would have expected so many gaaliyan from me then and only after about 5 -6 minutes of choicest of punjabi gaaliya I realised that I had a bad Dream. Poor guy still has no idea why he had to listen to me gone mad.

This is just one example you know. I can tell you many more but I wont.

~<0>~

If you are wondering why I titled this post "Highs and Lows", then I should tell you that it is because a friend and I were talking about Highs and Lows today. Its not important for you to know what all we talked about Highs and Lows. I told you only to convey that the title of this post is relevant.

~<0>~

That blog is so pathetic. Really.

Yes That One.

~<0>~

Sometimes you know someone (B) who knows someone else (A) you know. You want to know whats up with A, however A is dumb bitch and wont tell you directly. You cant ask B coz B's a motherfucker and you hardly talk. But you know that B knows something about A that you really want to know. 

I should know all about A. B should get lost.

What to do?

Sometimes you are in a Soup.

~<0>~

Score Sheet

High|Low

   0   | 1

Bad Binary Joke.

~<0>~ 

ps:- Hey Ko, will do the tag in next post.

The Best Goodbye

Watch Dasvidaniya to understand this pathetic joke. seriously people It is an awesome movie and a must watch.

~~

Life is so bloody weird these days. Even after spending a whole day in front of computer, the time i really feel relaxed is the time I sit in front of a computer at home. Sometimes I just watch the green and red dots on my gt list while some other times I have to make do with gray ones. Cant write anything half as good as my previously written crap writings and my sense of humor is getting so so pathetic that at times even I hate myself for saying some very bad joke. God bless Swati and Saurabh who have to tolerate my nonsense all day in office and many times at home too.

A friend asked me to get a life some days back. That day I felt very angry at this remark of his but today, I just want to know where can I get hold of it.


~<0>~
Random Song
Title :- random

kuch khatti meethi yaadien
kuch ankahe phalsapho ki
an-chhapee kitaabien
Bas unke baare sochta hun
aur ye kehta hun k...
Jo bhi hua, achaa hua

jo saath bitaye the tere wo
bheege bheege pal
jiski hardam aarzu thi
wo aane wala kal
bas unke baare sochta hun
aur ye kehta hun...
Jo bhi hua, achaa hua

lekar kismat nikle hain ghar se
hai manzil kahi duur
chaahe raste ab alag hain apne
kahi milenge zarur
bas unke baare sochta hun
aur ye kehta hun...
Jo bhi hua, achaa hua

ho ho ho ho ho ho ho
jo bhi hua achaa hua
humien hona tha judaaaa

ho ho ho ho ho ho ho
jo bhi hua achaa hua
sab khona tha jehaan

ho ho ho ho ho ho ho
bas tere baare sochta hun
aur ye kehta hun
Jo bhi hua achaa hua
Jo bhi hua achaa hua

~<0>~

The Name is Blonde...

Each day we fall a little lower. Slow death.

I think about..

Relationship statuses

When we are not single we usually say we are committed (sadly i am not part of the "we" here, but what the hell). I feel this to be absolutely illogical and so awesomely wrong. 

After single you become double. Its this simple, but if still you want to complicate things and luck is also on your side, you might become triple ;) . You can also change common phrases like, "single and ready to mingle"  to "double and having fun in the muddle" or to "triple and having fun got me crippled" or any other phrase of your choice. The important thing is that logic should be maintained. Everything else is just nonsense.

Now some of you who take pride in proclaiming their status as committed and now feel bad calling themselves, wait, you dont have to feel bad about anything. You can still call yourself committed etc. Just that the phases before and after should now be called "aquiring locks" and "roll-backed". Its really very easy to understand. Before you commit, you aquire locks on a resource i.e. get possessive and think only about one boy/girl. If the commit doesnt work well and your relationship breaks you roll-back to aquiring locks :D.

Like I said, logic sould be maintained.

To all those who read this post :- I am sorry but I cant help writing such posts and feel happy about it.

Bad Luck Jokes and Reality

~<0>~

disclaimer :- all comics are based on real incidents.

~<0>~

If I think about it, I feel that I had three very lucky mornings in college. But in the end i think it all went wrong coz of bad luck.

I am sometimes ashamed at the things I think were my high points.

Thinking about past is stupid and now talking about past, I remember the very amazing glass of juice i had this afternoon.

~<0>~

Damn! Now I feel stupid as well as ashamed.

~<0>~

Search is on, as usual

Some people devote years and years looking for things they really believe in. Every waking moment of theirs is spent in fighting for that something. But sometimes they get so used to this struggle and wait that they forget what they will do once, if ever, they get what they want. Their whole lives are so intervowen with their search that after their victory the drill to detatch themselves from the habbits and practices of their quest is a tougher job for them. Some who realise this, at a sub-concious level do not wish to actually win.

For example :-

1. The Naxalites :- The naxalite moment is still on in some states like orrissa and Andhra Pradesh. But it has now reduced to only few people who have no other thing to do in life. They have become dacoits and have absolutely no clue what they will do in case they are given a chance to run a government. 

2. Communist Party :- very similiarly they have no clue about their policies on issues other than preaching anti-americanism, if they actually ever win a general election. 

3. Man's best friend :- Dogs. They keep sniffing here and there for something. I am absolutely sure that even if a dog is able to find what its ancestors have been looking for, it will not believe that it has ended a search which was on since times so so long back.

and last but not the least.

4. Yours truly  :- )

Web Comic :)

Sandesa

ek dhaage ke sire se bandhi

soch ko yun kheench lo

ke dekho jaise ru ba ru

aankh ko yun meench lo

hawa jo chhuu le tumhien kabhi

wo mera hi ehsaas hai

sunoge mere geet bhi

dhadkano ki jo aawaz hai

daro na faaslo se ab

ke pal do pal ki baat hai

jo ek baar thaan lo

fir zindagi ka saath hai

The important thing is how quickly you adapt.

Not making sense

~<0>~

ho chuke tumhare kab se
hain mere ye khayal sab
hain aankhon mien harek pal
tumhare hi ye khwaab bas

~<0>~

There are times in a conversation when you know that you have stopped making any sense at all. It is of prime importance that one recognizes such points and STOPS.

There are times in a conversation when you know that you have said all that you wanted to say but the other person might still not understand you at all. It is of prime importance that one recognizes such points and explains them again.

There are times in a conversation when you know that you have said all that you wanted but the other person doesn't wish to listen to them or ignores all what you have said or just pretends that he is still oblivious to your intentions. It is of prime importance that one recognizes such persons and shakes them and says, HELLLLLOOOOO. WAKE UP YOU DUMB FUCK. IT IS FOR YOU THAT I HAVE BEEN GOING ON AND ON AND ON. Or one should just move on.

Whatever.

~<0>~

Ab I LOVE YOU bhi CAPS mien kahu kya?

~<0>~

I think the bullet above spoiled what could have been a pretty OK OK post.
What ya think?

I don't give a fuck what you think.

~<0>~

I think i am not making much sense. I should STOP.

~<0>~

Sapne Sach Hote Hain

Ek din sapne mien wat lag gayi.

Agle din ho gaya sach mien and obviously fir se wat lag gayi.

WTF.

And i officially HATE this blog now.

~<0>~

Fuck off dumb Alice.

drunken delights

i dont want to crawl out your windows.

your window sucks.

but i still want to googli moogli mush you every morning, noon, evening.

i love you.

but today is the last day.

i am shut up after this.

this is just my fucking bad luck...

i hope i learn.

i will learn i will learn.

100

The century post.

It was supposed to be all happy and celebratory and self congratulatory. But how i feel right now has just reiterated the fact that not everything works out the way you want it to.

Life has taken a turn. I have a job now, but all things are different from what I wanted them to be.
I live in a new city and I cant even count the number of ways this city has turned out to be different from what I expected.
The house I live in is black if what I asked for was white. I don't even want to start about the things I have had to adjust myself according to.

Its not that I am complaining. Somethings have actually worked out better. Its just that there is total uncertainty. Even if you take into account all the variables and try to calculate even remotely what turn the future will take, you are just bound to guess wrongly the right amount of chemical X. Some people call it 'luck', but i don't think I really want to use the word. Using bad-luck will be a bad omen but luck is a little too optimistic for me. So chemical X it is, The secret ingredient that may fuck your life or make you the king of some fancy oil-rich country.

Uncertainty was the topic my room mate wanted me to write about and I had said no to him straight away and I had started with a different thing in my mind. But now I can see the effect of chemical X.

There is one more thing i will like to say in this post. Many people think they know all about it. But guys, you don't even know half of the shit. But let me drop you a hint. Almost all of it is bad and almost all of it is totally opposite to what you think it is. You are not even close. Also, it is not what I wanted/expected but is totally what I expected/wanted but I am/am not happy with it. So please relax. There are things going on, which you will never understand and lets let it stay at that.

Things may end, they may start
only few things make your world fall apart
if you have them they don't really act
but from far away they must react

Things may end, they may not really start
nonetheless your world still falls apart
to look for them is to face their wrath
and to kill one self in the aftermath

things may end, they may really... really end
your world falls apart but you still defend
a stupid conviction of something that is true
but a surer conviction that the thing is you

I will ramble on a little more, coz well... its 100 today.
I believe that poetry is like the most ancient type of cryptography. What has been said might not make any sense to you but maybe it is intended for someone else, who the poet thinks will surely understand. But the only mistake the poet might be committing is over-estimating the deciphering ability of the intended party. I mean if Bob is not sure that Alice will understand his message, there is hardly any reason why he should take the pains for writing an unbreakable code. But poets are usually sentimental crazy cryptographers who feel that their Alices are the smartest dames around. Sometimes they even do it for preserving the science or art but that is not the case we are talking about, so leave that. Also I could never understand the difference between science and art. I was also not good at either. So the reader may take his own pick and excuse me for this slight digression.

I am facing a related problem these days. I think my message has been understood but the results have been rather unexpected and unfavorable. I should add that I was not expecting much. This might be the doing of chemical X which in my case hasn't done any good so far. However I still am not sure about the deciphering ability of my Alice. I also don't know which is a more serious problem, dumb Alice or the chemical affected Alice. Or could it be the case that I have a dumb Alice with blood group X+. Some problems just drive me crazy.

One day, the phoenix may really die
one day, the heavens may just conspire
take shape from nothing, he cant
ashes aren't left behind every fire

oh worldly wise, oh cautious one
keep them safe, keep them wrapped
the thread rolls that you throw away, coz
the knot wont hold the threads once snapped

hey there alice.

The Wrong Way

From the grammar to the choice of words, i was
sometimes objected, mostly rejected and always dejected
I was told to change my language oft
somehow a wrong art I had perfected

My words when written in verse seemed worse
than the tales of my worries and cares
my prayers of love were always found
on the receiving end of cold stares

However, to be with you, the truth remains
I could play your fool again
At the wrong place, at the wrong time always
my searches for you end in vain

Nafrat...

yaad aa janda hai oh din jado tu aaya par mil ke nahi gaya
ghaer te modhe te tera sir jhukeya reha
nahi wich mere himmat hun koi daleel sunan di
teri adalat wich jhooth hi jitt.da reha

phull gulaab da ishq tere nu samajh baitha c, par
kisi puraani kitaab wich kho jaan kabil hi reha
har war jad tun wada karke nahi aaya
kande v teri bewafayi de chunda reha

nafrat da hakdaar je tun mainu samajh leya hai
faer kiwein es ehsaas nu mada kahaan
dil wich tees jehi uth khad.di hai kade kade
par chahunda haan ke ese agg wich sad.da rahaan

suneya hai ke teri nafrat teri wafa nalo sachchi hai
hun nafrat wich hi wafa di udeek la baithaan
aake ik ghut zeher da de jaaveen, muka javeen
kite nafrat wich v dhoka na kha baithaan

Moving On

~<0>~

First post from Noida.

~<0>~

Moving on was not turning out to be as easy as he had hoped for. He had moved to a different city and his life had taken a turn for good. He had no other option.

Sometimes you will just die to have an option.

~<0>~

What was I thinking. Every night he said these words to himself, just before he was about to sleep. He wanted to be practical.

~<0>~

Whenever he thought about practicality, cracker chocolates came to his mind. He never liked them. It was an unnecessary innovation. The whole point of chocolate was defeated. There was always a hard part within the soft exterior. It was so much like practicality. He never liked it.

~<0>~

till i get a net connection

Keep Me In Your Heart For A While -- Warren Zevon

bye bye...

I am leaving Chandigarh tomorrow.
Chandigarh was good and will be immensely missed.
A long post was supposed to come up about my last 22 yrs here in this city beautiful but got busy with all the winding up of stuff here.
Probably later.

Lets see how Noida fares.
Next post from there.

Aww Crap

Reading horoscope on a Sunday morning was never such a heart break.
I am so convinced that knowing future sucks.

and also happy friendship day everyone. Blah Blah Blah.
Some of you are good and some of you are just right of the top fantastic.
I hate some of you but its alright, coz friends do that, i guess.

Mere Din Raat

wo behke behke raat din
har sham nashe mein duubna
mere hoth nam tere hoth nam
har jaam unpe tootna

hum bekhudi mein iskadar
khuda se khud pe aa gaye
bas tere maeqade mein mumkin
khuda se khud ka chhootna
wo behke behke raat din...

zaeb kuch amal bhi na kar saka
apni aarzoo pe aye sanam
fir kis zulm ki hai ye saza
bin baat tera roothna

In memory of the days when we were together and life was beautiful.

Kya Farak Padta Hai?

~<0>~

Farak to padta hai bhai.

~<0>~

Sad Song Love Song

~<0>~

i know this guy
and i hate him so
that i want to kill him
with an arrow and a bow

we go to one office
and we work all day
the bosses also like him
i want to run away

he plays all the games
and he is good at them too
i write sad songs
but the listners are few

he thinks he is cool
and he thinks he is smooth
we both love a girl
and she shares his view :(

he is loved by all
and he has many friends
i sit all alone
waiting for the shit to end

this is my story
i wrote it on a whim
but the mother fuckin shit is
its all about him

~<0>~

i know this girl
and i love her so
its like cupid hit us
with and arrow and a bow

we go to one office
and we work all day
when it gets un-romantic
we run away

she plays all the games
and she is good at them too (ahem)
i write love songs
coz our love is true

she wants a pool
and she thinks its cool
we both picked a home
which has a wonderful view

she is loved by all
and i also have some friends
we hang out together
i hope it never ends

this is my story
i wrote it in a spur
the most wonderful thing is
its all about her

~<0>~

Kya Yar Aise Bhi Koi Karta Hai

Har guzarish sath chalne ki thukra chuke ho
kyun puchhte ho ke fir kab milenge

Thoda sach aur...

There is this thing about being in love with you which I completely and absolutely hate. Its not the part where you don't know I love you. Its not even the part where I know I cant have you, even for a tiny winy time in my life.
Its the part where after some days i get to know this little fact about you and then I just cant believe that what a stupid idiot I was in believing otherwise. The best part is that you don't lie to me. I can't blame you even a little for this rip-your-chest-and-crush-your-heart state I get myself into every time. Its only my naivete that leads me to believe in something, which is mostly the way i want the things to be. Why? Why? Why?

Goddammitt Why?

Deep down my heart I was afraid that this would happen and deep down my heart i was wishing for this day to not happen this time. But, I don't know why and how and for what fucking god damn reason, by evening I had myself convinced that all my fears were baseless and my worries without reason.

Why did I not think of it earlier? It has happened before also. How could I even hope that you wont do it again? Bloody hell !!! everything is falling into place now. I can see at least some of the steps.

See, You are You and I forget that every time. It had to happen and it did. Only problem, I got to know of it today and out of my own stupid doing.

I hate you... because you were there.

Kab sudhroge?
Kab bakshoge?
Kab nikloge mere sar se bahar?
Fuck Fuck Fuck

I want to leave this place.
Bahut ho gaya.
Bas !

Pardes...

wo waade pe waade kiye ja rahe hain

jo jaane lage hain sheher chhod kar

wo kehte hain kuch din magar jhoot hai
kuch umeedo ka kadwa zeher chhod kar

hoga raqeeb khuskismat bahut
jo jaate hain wo mera dil tod kar

na zamaane se chhupte hain mere ashq ab
wo bikhre pade hain kisi mod par

zaeb zinda bache ye mumkin nahi
wo jayenge telism.e.nazar ka kehar chhod kar




~<0>~ Abhi na jao chhod kar ~<0>~

Ta Da...

I

~<0>~
am singing

challa gutt ik lammi
asi supne si chummi
hoyi neeyat si annhi
asa dil di si manni
ve gall sun challeya
hun de lae jehdi deni hai saza

rabbi shergill's latest album

~<0>~
am reading

a book on cold war (just finished)
isaac asimov foundation series (just started)
lance armstrong's autobiography (middle)

~<0>~
am playing

dheere dheere se meri zindagi mein aana on harmonica (almost)
comfortably numb on guitar (pretty well)
age of empires 2 on pc (losing but learning)

~<0>~
am writing

some poems (:P)
some ghazal(s) (they are different)
no stories as of now [ :( i wanna]

~<0>~
am painting

on canvas (big panga taken)

~<0>~
am dancing

like chandler.

~<0>~

My Country

this country i rule is everywhere
this country i seek is nowhere to be seen
its the land where the mind explodes
dreams ideas thoughts all cease to be

blue to red violet to pink
the suns chariot is about to flee
the sky turns inside out every night
the fires light up when the moon is free

heroes and villains worship the only flame
they chant the dark music under the lonely tree
certain freedoms the gods always fear
the Satan doesn't seem to disagree

its the mindless magician
that is you
its the mindless magician
that was me

When Shit hits the Roof

I can right now think of so many different permutations and combinations of fuck and shit. The First one is fuckinshit. You can figure out the rest as homework.

I need to improve my concentration... where is Hitler baba? I need to be in his camps.

Pardes

The post which was supposed to come up today will not be published because of some stupid doings on my part. Inconvenience is not regretted. The stupid doings are.

Pardes will be up someday.

Pure Narcotic By Porcupine Tree

You keep me waiting
You keep me alone in a room full of friends
You keep me hating
You keep me listening to the Bends

No amount of pointless days
Can make this go away

You have me on my knees
You have me listless and deranged
You have me in your pocket
You have me distant and estranged

No narcotics in my brain
Can make this go away

I'm sorry that, I'm sorry that I'm not like you
I worry that I don't act the way you'd like me to

You find me wanting
You find me bloodless but inspired
You find me out
You find me hallucinating fire

No narcotics in my brain
Can make this go away

Have we ever been here before?
Running headlong at the floor
Leave me dreaming on a railway track
Wrap me up and send me back

Its been a while

Its been a really long long time
since we walked through the hills
our shadows in the moonlight
we were victims of free will

you would close your eyes and whisper
will i hold your hands forever
and my eyes will gently sparkle
saying we will be together

time is such a punisher
and the distance makes me tremble
it was so much like a fairytale
well fate is just a gamble

but the hills still stay
and the moon still shines
waiting for us they talk to each other
i can still hear your whisper
and my eyes sometime sparkle
but if i could only hold your hands tonight
and forever